Something keeps pulling, but I aint budging...

Am I afraid of death? Like religion, politics, sex and starving children, 'death speak' doesn't make for great dinner conversation. Of course I'm not one to follow norms and getting deep, especially after some coosh, is right up my alley along with the aliens that have taken over the Bush's, Bin-ladens and Malema's of this world. I wouldn't quite say I fear death more like I have an obsessive relationship with life. I really want to live. I really "really" want to stick around to make a difference in this world. Last night I had what in all painstakes I would regard as an almost death experience. Unlike some of the dramatic experiences I've encountered I honestly felt like this was the end of the road. As a young boy of 17, I spent a month in a makeshift hut, having recently had my foreskin removed using traditional methods, in the dead of a cold winter with just a mingy little blanket around me. Though the pain of being circumsized with a spear with only leaves for ailment may cause a young man dire pain, nothing I've ever experience in my life can ever compare to the feeling I felt in what I felt could have been my death bed. The pit of my stomach suddenly let out a stabbing pain that can only be described as tyrannic. It felt is though my gut was being surgically removed without any aneasthitic or pain measures. I crawled around on all fours on my girlfriends floor like a beaten child asking the higher power for forgiveness. Strangest thing about when you think that it could the end, God always seems to appear in a different light than to the conversations you would have about believing in a higher or not believing. Whilst wringling around on the floor I tried using all my energies i.e. ninja chakras, mind-over-matter, anti-torture techniques and pray to fight the gruelling pain that for the first time in my life had brought me down to my knees. I think what made it worse was when my girlfriend suggested she take me to the hospital that it suddenly hit me what a down turn my life had taken over the years. I could sugarcoat it and tell you what a great job I have and how sooner or later the great initiative I took to building an online magazine like no other will pay off in the long run, but the truth of the matter is that in a world where cash is king, I have but my wishes and my dreams as arsenal and the rest belongs to the guy in the ferrari. I have a beautiful and loving girlfriend whom I love with all my heart, but every now and again I wonder just when it will be that she might get tired of babying the pipe dream of a young african she collided with at a drinking lounge, where we both had sworn at times in our lives we'd never meet the soulmate of our dreams. Funny thing about life and karma...just when you appraise it or talk well of it it challenges you to see how much of it you can really take. Some people ask God to give them strength. Others make dirty deals with the devil. The deal I have with the both higher and lower powers is that no matter what's been put on the table - Leave me and this world of mine and I'll be all cheery eyed. I survived last night, no meds and no witchcraft. I don't now if tomorrow will give me the same break, but whatever happens, I'm telling you now, you're going to have to fight me to the death to get me to leave this wonderful life of mine.